“Hey folks, Ian Schwartz here — live from the DMV. And no, not the driver’s license DMV where you leave looking like you’re on a milk carton. I mean D.C., Maryland, Virginia. Which… honestly… still feels like you’re being held hostage.
Let’s start with Maryland Governor Wes Moore. He’s mad at Trump for suggesting the National Guard in Baltimore. Moore’s like, ‘No need! Crime’s down 20 percent!’ Right — because the other 80 percent of the people are already living in Tampa. Baltimore’s new slogan? ‘Charm City: Fewer witnesses, more boarded-up row houses.’
And Moore’s secret weapon? ‘Violence prevention programs.’ Which is liberal-speak for ‘yoga for gangbangers.’ Picture this: Downward Dog… with your Glock. Inhale… exhale… Namaste or I’ll make you stay.
Now hop over to Washington, D.C. Everyone’s buying the D.C. flag like it’s the new Taylor Swift album. They call it ‘resistance.’ Resistance against what? Streetlights that actually work? A Metro that doesn’t smell like regret? That flag — three stars and two bars — is basically Metro’s Yelp review: ‘Two out of five, would not ride again.’
And then there’s Trump’s big crime crackdown: 1,200 arrests in D.C.! Sounds impressive, right? Except the judges keep tossing the cases. Why? ‘Weak evidence.’ Weak evidence?! The guy was literally halfway out your townhouse window carrying your TV like it was a Black Friday deal. What do they need — a TikTok livestream?
Meanwhile, the grand juries complain about ‘due process.’ In D.C., due process means: Don’t talk to me until I’ve finished my $18 avocado toast and oat milk latte.
And then Virginia. The governor’s race is basically a referendum on D.C.’s nonsense. Democrats want more federal control, Republicans want less, and voters? They just want the potholes filled and the liquor stores open when the Redskins—sorry, Commanders—lose. Which is… weekly.
But that’s life in the DMV. The only place where you can’t renew your license in under three hours… but somehow the feds can federalize 4,000 cops before you finish ordering a pumpkin spice latte.
“So that’s the week in the DMV — Maryland’s doing yoga with gangbangers, D.C.’s fighting tyranny with tote bags and flags, and Trump’s locking up bad guys like it’s a BOGO sale at Costco.
And as my cousin Jimmy would say after reading this: ‘Big yikes… LOL.’”
Ian Schwartz is a columnist for Direct Line Contact at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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