Panel 1: “THE OATMEAL HERO EMERGES”
A Maryland diner. Customer orders “Chris Van Hollen” from a confused waitress. Behind her is a beer tap labeled “Van Hollen Belgian Blonde Ale.” Caption: “In America, even oatmeal-flavored politicians rise to greatness.”
Panel 2: “THE FIELD TRIP”
Van Hollen entering a detention center carrying balloons labeled “Get Well Soon.” A guard points at a scary inmate labeled “Alleged Gang Member / Illegal Immigrant.” Caption: “Some senators hold security briefings. Van Hollen schedules playdates with violent felons.”
Panel 3: “THE GREAT OATMEAL SWAP”
Ro Khanna at a podcast desk with hosts Krystal Ball and Saagar Enjeti. Khanna swaps a bowl labeled “Schumer (Cold Oatmeal)” for one labeled “Van Hollen (Warm Oatmeal).” Caption: “Ro Khanna boldly proposes replacing oatmeal… with warmer oatmeal.”
Panel 4: “THE PODCAST HEARD BY DOZENS”
Three listeners: a grad student taking notes, a libertarian barista rolling his eyes, and a guy laughing (Avi). Caption: “The big idea announced on a podcast followed by dozens.”
Panel 5: “THE MOST FORGETTABLE REVOLUTION”
President Biden at a podium misreading a teleprompter (“Congrats Senator Van Hooligan”), Schumer sneaking out a door toward “Bagels,” and Van Hollen delivering the blandest speech imaginable. Caption: “America’s most passionless coup begins.”
Panel 6: “THE ENDORSEMENT NO ONE ASKED FOR”
Narrator Ian Schwartz giving a heroic endorsement at a podium. Behind him, Van Hollen stands in a cape labeled “Captain Mild,” holding a participation trophy. Caption: “In a world of chaos, one man dares to be completely forgettable.”
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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