Driving around Suburban Maryland today, it looked like clown season had arrived early. The No Kings Rally was in full swing cardboard signs, conga drums, and enough irony to power a small Tesla. The fools were out in force.
I rolled down my window in Bethesda and asked a few of them what exactly they were protesting. Silence. A couple of blank stares. One guy offered me a pamphlet that looked like it was printed on his home printer during a Marxism 101 study break. So fine, I’ll answer for them.
If President Trump were His Majesty King Trump I, the government wouldn’t be shut down. Kings don’t need congressional approval or continuing resolutions. They don’t worry about debt ceilings. They don’t have to listen to Chuck Schumer reading prepared outrage from a teleprompter. Kings just decree.
King Louis XIV once said, “I am the State.” ¹ Imagine King Trump declaring, “I am the Economy.” At least gas would be under three bucks, and the IRS would be working weekends instead of families.
If Trump were a king, he’d have a wall built out of gold and engraved every ten feet with “Made in America.” The country would have the best infrastructure plan in human history, and Air Force One would probably run on jet fuel and Diet Coke.
And those protestors clogging Wisconsin Avenue? The Royal Guard would’ve rounded them up and sent them to the Dungeon of Gaithersburg. ² Their sentence? Watching The View on repeat until they beg Joy Behar for mercy.
The truth is, the No Kings crowd doesn’t actually hate kings. They just hate losing. They want endless committees, “democracy task forces,” and “community conversations” that never end. They want permanent processes not progress.
They scream “No Kings” while wearing Che Guevara T-shirts, which is like protesting against cholesterol while eating a bacon cheeseburger. ³
If Trump were really a monarch, every Democrat except Senator Fetterman would be in the royal dungeon. Fetterman’s safe. He dresses like the court jester anyway, and he’s the only one on their side who occasionally sounds like a regular guy.
But Trump isn’t a king. He’s a president elected by the people. That’s the part these latte revolutionaries never get. They keep chanting about tyranny while their own party acts like it owns the FBI, the media, and the Department of Education.
Their protests are made possible by donations from the same folks who think Karl Marx was a motivational speaker. According to public records, the Communist Party USA and its youth arm, the Young Communist League, have “supported” these rallies with “educational resources.” ⁴ Translation: they paid for the poster board and the vegan snacks.
So, as PBS might say, “This demonstration was made possible by viewers like you and generous grants from the Communist Party USA.” ⁵
You can’t make this stuff up. They shout about freedom while trying to censor everyone who disagrees with them. They yell “democracy” while trying to kick half the country off the ballot. And they truly believe the Founding Fathers were just early socialists who forgot to unionize.
Driving past, I saw a woman waving a sign that read, “No More Royal Decrees!” I almost rolled down my window again to tell her: “Sweetheart, the only decrees happening right now are executive orders cleaning up your party’s mess.” But I didn’t. She looked like she’d call me a fascist, film it for TikTok, and cry about it on Reddit.
And here’s the punchline: the same Democrats screaming “No Kings” are the ones who locked people in their homes, shut down churches, and forced kids to wear masks outdoors. They don’t hate kings they just hate competition.
Maybe, just maybe, the real danger isn’t King Trump. Maybe it’s the mob that thinks mob rule is democracy. The Founders weren’t perfect, but they understood one timeless truth: when emotion rules, freedom dies.
So to all my royal subjects in Bethesda, Chevy Chase, and Silver Spring, relax. There’s no crown, no scepter, no throne. Just one elected president, one broken Congress, and way too many people with drum circles.
And if you’re nostalgic for monarchy, don’t worry. The Democrats already have a royal family: the Clintons, the Obamas, and the Bidens. You’ve got dynasties. We’ve got elections.
Long live the Republic. God bless the Constitution. And honestly, I should be studying for midterms, not writing columns. But you guys just make it too easy, and Mom and Dad, I will crush the midterms nothing below a 97.
Footnotes
- Louis XIV, Mémoires pour l’instruction du Dauphin (1661).
- “Dungeon of Gaithersburg” is fictional. Sadly, the traffic is not.
- “Che Guevara’s Legacy,” History Channel Archive, accessed Oct. 2025.
- “Financial Disclosures: Communist Party USA,” Federal Elections Records, 2025.
- Parody of PBS underwriting announcements.
Ian Schwartz is a columnist for Direct Line Contact at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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