Captain Ahab’s Revenge: Green Energy
So here’s the deal: If you’ve ever been to Ocean City, Maryland, you know the vibe — families with overloaded beach wagons, dads applying SPF 75 like they’re waxing a Buick, kids bribing seagulls with half-eaten Thrashers fries, and the endless promise of funnel cake and mini-golf glory.
Now imagine all that… but with a side of giant offshore alien wind turbines looming on the horizon like rejected props from a bad Transformers sequel. Welcome to Maryland’s brave new world of “clean energy,” where the state government is apparently more concerned about appeasing Greta Thunberg’s fan club than preserving its own coastline.
Yes, the great plan is to carpet-bomb the Atlantic with industrial-sized egg beaters in the name of “green progress.” They say Maryland needs the energy. But do we, though? Or do we just need better politicians?
Let’s break it down, bird feathers and beached whales included.
“Green” Is the New Grey
According to our esteemed elected officials (and by “esteemed,” I mean the ones who think Tesla charging stations are a substitute for infrastructure), the Eastern Shore must now suffer for the sins of fossil fuels. Apparently, our 1960s-era nuclear plants and natural gas resources are too “problematic,” but gigantic steel poles the size of the Eiffel Tower drilled into the ocean floor? Totally sustainable!
But let’s be clear: Offshore wind farms don’t run on granola and unicorn wishes. The materials alone are a cocktail of rare earth minerals mined in places that would make OSHA cry. And those turbine blades? They’re not recyclable — they’re landfilled when worn out, which makes them basically the flip-flops of the energy world: bad for the environment and impossible to dispose of.
And don’t even get me started on the birds.
R.I.P. Birds, Whales, and Literally Anything With Wings or Sonar
You know how wind energy gets all this adorable branding with butterflies and cartoon suns smiling down on us? Yeah, in real life, it’s more like The Hunger Games for animals.
Let’s start with the birds. The American Bird Conservancy estimates that wind turbines already kill hundreds of thousands of birds each year — and that’s just the ones on land. Offshore farms? Even worse. Especially for migratory birds trying to cross the Atlantic and ending up diced like onions at a Benihana.
And the whales. Oh, the whales. We’ve got more beached whales than tourists at Seacrets. Marine biologists — the ones not on the state payroll — have raised alarms that sonar mapping and turbine vibrations mess with whale navigation systems. Ever seen a humpback flopping around in knee-deep surf like a confused beach ball? It’s tragic. But hey, as long as the windmills are spinning, Maryland’s conscience is clean, right?
Kennedys Say No, So Why Can’t We?
Let me take you back to the early 2000s when a massive offshore wind farm was proposed off the coast of Cape Cod. Seems like a no-brainer, right? Tons of liberal money, Massachusetts charm, coastal elitism — it had all the ingredients.
Except for one thing: Hyannisport.
You see, the Kennedy family — yes, that Kennedy family — fought tooth and yacht to block the project. Why? Because it would ruin their view.
That’s right. The same folks who lecture the rest of us about climate change from their Martha’s Vineyard verandas didn’t want to sip Chardonnay while staring at giant wind turbines. So, they got it stopped. No windmills for Camelot.
Funny how that works.
Meanwhile, in Ocean City, Maryland, regular families who saved up for that annual week of boardwalk fries and boogie boards don’t get a say. They’ll just have to squint past the turbines during sunrise photos and explain to their kids why Flipper washed ashore looking like he just walked off a horror movie set.
But Ian, Maryland Needs the Energy…
Ah yes, the line you hear from every green energy wonk and bureaucrat within a 100-mile radius of Annapolis.
But here’s a question: Why not nuclear?
Nuclear power is clean, efficient, and — unlike solar and wind — works when it’s cloudy, calm, or nighttime. But no, that would require courage. Instead, they’d rather spend billions on wind farms that generate less energy than a frat house rowing machine during finals week.
And what about natural gas? Or even — brace yourself — reopening a coal plant or two? Oh no, can’t do that. That would anger the progressive base and ruin the governor’s next TED Talk about “resilient carbon equity partnerships” or some other nonsense.
Fun fact: In 2022, natural gas accounted for 38% of U.S. electricity generation. Wind? Just 10%. And offshore wind? Even less. But sure, let’s gamble the coastline and marine life because some PR firm made a slick commercial with dolphins frolicking near fake turbines.
Wind Farm Woes: Real-World Examples
Let’s look at a few cautionary tales, shall we?
Block Island, Rhode Island:
Once hailed as the East Coast’s crown jewel of offshore wind. Today? Constant maintenance issues, reliability concerns, higher-than-expected costs, and a bunch of unhappy locals who say their fishing industry got wrecked.
UK North Sea Projects:
Some of the UK’s biggest wind projects have run billions over budget, with maintenance costs and saltwater corrosion turning them into money pits. The phrase “offshore wind” now causes visible shudders among British accountants.
Germany’s Baltic Sea Farms:
After billions invested, they discovered that transmission cables under the ocean floor were more complicated than their entire Oktoberfest logistics system. They now have turbines spinning but nowhere to send the energy. Bravo.
So tell me again how this is Maryland’s best shot at energy independence?
Visual Pollution and Ocean Noise: The Things They Don’t Tell You
Wind turbines aren’t silent. Offshore farms generate underwater noise that disrupts marine life from fish to dolphins. It’s like dropping a rave in the middle of a yoga studio. And above the waves, they’re just plain ugly. The kind of ugly that makes you wonder if IKEA designed them in the dark.
Tourists don’t come to Ocean City for the ambiance of a mechanical graveyard. They come for beach views, sunrises, and overpriced crab legs. No one ever said, “Let’s book the condo with the best view of the turbines.”
Final Thoughts from the Red-Shirted Peanut Gallery
Look, I’m not saying we torch the rainforest and swim in oil slicks. I recycle. I use LED lights. I even once ate a plant-based burger (it tasted like betrayal).
But this whole offshore wind thing? It’s just bad policy wrapped in good intentions and sold like it’s gospel. And the worst part is, they’re doing it to us, not with us. The same state that can’t figure out how to keep potholes out of I-95 is suddenly Captain Planet when it comes to energy?
I say let the people of Hyannisport trade views with us. You want turbines? Put them in the Potomac outside Jamie Raskin’s house. Or how about Loch Bar in Harbor East? That crowd loves sustainability… until it affects their sushi.
Let’s be honest: wind farms are the participation trophy of energy policy. They look impressive, accomplish little, and leave a mess someone else has to clean up.
So Maryland, before you install your industrial Cuisinarts in the ocean, maybe take a breath. Reopen a coal plant. Reinvest in nuclear. Heck, put solar panels on every Montgomery County mansion and call it a day.
Just leave the whales, birds, and Ocean City alone.
Endnotes:
- American Bird Conservancy. “Wind Energy and Birds.” https://abcbirds.org
- NOAA Fisheries. “Marine Mammal Acoustic Guidelines.” https://www.fisheries.noaa.gov
- Block Island Wind Farm maintenance report, 2021.
- “Why the Kennedys Opposed Cape Wind,” Boston Globe, 2013.
- EIA.gov: Energy Generation by Source, 2022.
- DW News, “Germany’s Baltic Wind Farms Fall Short,” 2020.
- “North Sea Wind Energy Troubles,” The Guardian, 2023.
Ian Schwartz is a contributor to Direct Line News. Contact Ian at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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