Have you ever have one of those days where you’re riding in the back seat of your dad’s Lincoln Navigator, complete with massaging seats, a panoramic sunroof, and more screens than a Best Buy display wall—and you think, “Wow. This is exactly what the Founding Fathers envisioned when they dumped tea into Boston Harbor.”?
Well, buckle up, kids. Because that’s how I felt while scrolling through protest footage of the now-infamous “No Kings” rallies that popped up across America on June 14, 2025—aka Flag Day, aka the Army’s 250th birthday, aka the perfect time to light an American flag on fire if you’re a deeply confused, irony-deprived twenty-something with a “Down with Empire” tote bag and a trust fund from Connecticut.
Let me set the mood. I’m chilling in the back seat, iced caramel macchiato in the cupholder, ambient lighting glowing like I’m in a VIP lounge at a spaceport, and what do I see? Jack Black—yes, Kung Fu Panda himself—barging into a “No Kings” rally in L.A. on his way to an all-you-can-eat buffet at Sizzler. You cannot make this stuff up. And judging by the state of his shirt, Jack had already taken a few pregame laps around the taco bar.
The sign he’s holding says “No to Tyrants, Yes to Tater Tots.” Revolutionary stuff. Paul Revere could never.
Hollywood Royalty…and I Use That Term Loosely
Let’s talk about the West Coast first, because that’s where the cringe really blossoms. The Los Angeles protest was a fever dream of irrelevant sitcom extras, decommissioned Nickelodeon stars, and half-baked Marxist street theater. You know that awkward moment when you see someone you kinda recognize, but can’t quite place? That was the entire protest.
I spotted one guy I could’ve sworn was the dad from “Even Stevens,” but he was ranting about how Elon Musk is the new King George. Then a girl dressed like Marie Antoinette (accurate, if you consider her iPhone and oat milk latte) started screaming about dismantling capitalism from the comfort of her $400 Allbirds sneakers. Revolutionary cosplay is expensive, people.
And let’s not forget Alyssa Milano, who came out to the protest to film herself crying on TikTok about the monarchy of “white male billionaire fascism.” Ironic, considering she lives in a gated compound that has more guards than Buckingham Palace.
Jamie Raskin and the “Jew-ish” Enigma
Now let’s hop over to my home turf—the East Coast, where the vibes are equally absurd, but with colder weather and angrier people. Specifically, let’s zoom in on Congressman Jamie Raskin of Maryland’s 8th District.
Jamie showed up to his local “No Kings” rally wearing a kippah and quoting Karl Marx. Which is kind of like wearing a Mets jersey while rooting for the Yankees—confusing, performative, and spiritually inconsistent.
Raskin—who, and I quote, “identifies as Jewish but is an atheist”—was greeted warmly by a group of college students holding signs that said “Down with Theocracy!” right next to “Stop Genocide in Gaza!” Because, as always, it’s perfectly acceptable to conflate Judaism with Zionism unless you’re actually Jewish, in which case, please shut up and hand over the lox.
I mean, Jamie, buddy. What does that even mean? You like bagels and lox but don’t observe the holy days? Are you “Jew-ish” the way someone’s “Latina when drunk” or “Black in spirit”? Is your religion just a brunch menu?
Anyway, Jamie gave a speech—no notes, all drama—where he called the American right “the heirs of monarchy.” That’s bold coming from a guy whose job literally has the word “Congressman” in it. You know, like a parliament? Like… a royal court?
No Kings, Just a Lot of People Who Think They’re Philosophers
The “No Kings” movement, such as it is, is the spiritual child of Occupy Wall Street and every guy in your freshman dorm who thought quoting Rousseau made him deep. Its followers range from TikTok influencers who think John Locke is a skincare brand, to Sociology PhDs who believe the Electoral College is a colonial relic designed to suppress veganism.
The movement’s basic thesis, if you can call it that, is: “America is an oppressive monarchy because some rich people exist, and also Trump.” How we got from “no taxation without representation” to “no landlords without guillotines” is anyone’s guess. But I blame the public school system and those people who pronounce “colonialism” like it has five syllables.
The Slogans: A Masterclass in Delusional Branding
Let’s sample some of the protest signs I saw from my leather seat:
- “Eat the Rich (After the Buffet Closes)”
- “Down with Kings, Up with Polyamory”
- “No Justice, No Peace, No Patriarchy, No Pants” (That one was mostly concerning)
- “Taylor Swift is Queen” — which feels a little on the nose for a group screaming about monarchs.
And my personal favorite: “DECOLONIZE THE DMV.”
Okay, as someone who has personally waited in line at the MVA in Glen Burnie, I, too, have wanted to burn that place to the ground. But I don’t think King Charles is to blame for that. Unless the Crown is secretly behind the “Please take a number” system.
Media Coverage: “Mostly Peaceful,” as Always
You know how it goes. CNN described the protests as “mostly peaceful,” right up until the moment someone lit a cop car on fire using a scented candle from Urban Outfitters. “Mostly peaceful” is journalistic code for “It was a riot, but they were wearing sustainable hemp hoodies.”
Meanwhile, NBC featured a touching profile of a 26-year-old “activist-slash-clairvoyant” who goes by the name “Zebra” and said that property destruction was a “form of emotional release.” Zebra then threw a brick through a Starbucks window and offered the reporter a tarot reading.
DC Protest: Where Democracy Goes to Get Maimed by Its Supporters
Naturally, the DC protest was right outside the Capitol, and because irony is dead, they camped out on the steps with signs that said “This Land is Stolen” while using free Wi-Fi and ordering DoorDash. One guy yelled, “Burn it all down!” and then realized his phone was at 8% battery and started asking around for a charger.
My favorite was a girl who tried to start a drum circle, then got mad when nobody clapped. She shouted, “Don’t you feel the rhythm of revolution?!” and a guy next to her said, “Yeah, but can we maybe put on some Lizzo instead?”
And Where Was I?
Still in the back seat of the Lincoln Navigator, naturally. At one point, my dad asked what I was laughing at, and I said, “Just the collapse of Western civilization.” He thought I was watching “Seinfeld.”
Honestly, I was torn between feeling smug and feeling sad. Smug, because watching Jack Black shout “No more emperors!” while sweating through his fifth-layer-of-flannel shirt is prime comedy. Sad, because a movement that’s supposed to be anti-authoritarian can’t seem to differentiate between actual tyranny and the fact that some people own boats.
Also, let’s not ignore the utter lack of self-awareness among protest organizers who literally applied for permits from the local government to hold their “Down with Government” protests. You ever seen someone call for anarchy in Times New Roman on official letterhead? It’s magical.
Let’s Review the Demands
The “No Kings” crowd released a list of demands, which reads like a BuzzFeed article ghostwritten by Karl Marx and a Whole Foods cashier.
- Abolish the Senate. Sure, because the problem with our legislative gridlock is that there aren’t enough TikTok dancers in charge of the filibuster.
- Defund Billionaires. I’m still not sure how this works. Do we just Venmo-request Elon Musk for $999 billion with a note that says “For the people”?
- Universal Housing, Wi-Fi, and Emotional Support Animals. I mean, one of those I can get behind. But unless you’re planning to house a therapy llama in every apartment, I’m gonna need details.
- Ban Patriarchal Holidays. Father’s Day is canceled, folks. Sorry, Dad. You get one more year in the sun and then it’s over. But don’t worry—“Chosen Family Appreciation Week” will replace it, sponsored by the Department of Feelings.
- Reparations for… everyone. Seriously, it just said “everyone.” If you’ve ever been hurt, disappointed, or ghosted on Bumble—you qualify.
In Conclusion: Monarchs May Be Out, But Ego Is Eternal
Let me be clear. I get it. People want justice. They want equality. They want a world that makes sense. But if you think holding up a papier-mâché guillotine and tweeting “Eat the rich” from an iPhone 15 Pro Max is how we get there, then you’re not a revolutionary. You’re a mascot.
And if you show up to a “No Kings” protest wearing a crown ironically while quoting tweets about colonial trauma from an influencer named “SunMoonFlower98,” you might want to reconsider your approach.
Because here’s the deal: America was never about “no kings” in the literal sense. It was about self-governance, personal responsibility, and the idea that we don’t need royal bloodlines to decide our fates.
So if your idea of progress is screaming at clouds while sipping soy lattes and demanding free rent, you’re not breaking the chains of monarchy. You’re just replacing the crown with a man bun and a 3.5 GPA in “Post-Colonial Basket Weaving.”
Epilogue: Meanwhile, in the Navigator…
My dad pulls into the driveway, the seats slowly stop massaging my spine, and I unplug my iPad. As I step out into our suburban kingdom, I realize something profound: I am a citizen of the greatest republic on Earth. A country so free, even people who hate it get to yell about it in public—often with bad haircuts and worse slogans.
God bless America. And Jack Black—next time you storm a protest on your way to the buffet, maybe don’t wear corduroy in June. Just a thought.
Endnotes
- Jack Black Spotted at LA “No Kings” Protest:
While not officially confirmed by TMZ, a blurry video circulating on TikTok showed a man resembling Jack Black chanting “Power to the People” while balancing a takeout container and wearing Crocs. Users in the comments debated whether it was him or a retired stagehand from the School of Rock tour. Either way, the spirit of mid-tier celebrity activism was alive and well.
— Source: TikTok @RevolutionRayRay, June 14, 2025 - Jamie Raskin’s Religious Identity:
Rep. Jamie Raskin has described himself as “Jewish by culture, atheist by belief,” a position that confuses everyone from rabbis to secular humanists. He has publicly stated his Jewishness informs his moral worldview but does not include traditional observance.
— Source: Jewish Telegraphic Agency (JTA), “The Religious Identity of Congressman Jamie Raskin,” March 2022 - CNN’s “Mostly Peaceful” Rhetoric:
Coverage of protests—especially those with property damage—has been widely mocked for the “mostly peaceful” framing, even when footage includes flaming dumpsters or looted storefronts. This phrase became internet shorthand for spin-heavy reporting.
— Source: CNN broadcast clip from Kenosha protests, August 2020; re-popularized in memes and political commentary. - “No Kings” DC Protest Highlights:
Footage from outside the Capitol showed drum circles, pop-up vegan kitchens, and numerous iPhones being used to livestream anti-establishment rhetoric. Protestors were repeatedly seen asking security guards for charging stations.
— Source: @DCProtestWatch on X (formerly Twitter), June 14, 2025 - Alyssa Milano’s Protest Appearances:
Alyssa Milano has been a vocal figure in progressive protest circles since 2016. Her appearance at the “No Kings” protest included a livestream in which she cried while quoting “Hamilton” lyrics and calling for Jeff Bezos to be tried for “economic crimes.”
— Source: Alyssa Milano Instagram Live, June 14, 2025 (archived) - The “No Kings” Movement Demands List:
A digital pamphlet circulated online outlined the protest’s top demands, ranging from the abolishment of the Senate to universal housing and the banning of Father’s Day. The document received 11,000 likes on Tumblr and a response from Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) that consisted entirely of a GIF of a raccoon falling off a chair.
— Source: “No Kings Collective Official Zine,” uploaded to Substack by @WokeReignOfTerror - Lizzo and Drum Circle Incident:
An eyewitness account posted on Reddit described a young woman attempting to lead a protest rhythm circle, only to be shouted down in favor of Bluetooth speakers playing Lizzo’s greatest hits.
— Source: Reddit r/PoliticalHumor, post by u/RebelSnacc, June 15, 2025 - Congressional Hypocrisy on Monarchy Language:
The term “No Kings” was ironically echoed by sitting elected officials, including those with long-standing tenure, staff budgets, and taxpayer-funded perks. Critics pointed out the contradiction between anti-authoritarian slogans and the perks of congressional incumbency.
— Source: Washington Examiner, “Why Elected Officials Love Yelling ‘No Kings,’” June 16, 2025 - “Decolonize the DMV” Slogan Explained:
Though intended to be a reference to systemic bureaucracy, many online observers noted that the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) in question had no colonial charter, though it may be guilty of scheduling colonoscopies faster than driver’s tests.
— Source: X post by @HistoryBuff2020, June 14, 2025 - Taylor Swift as “Queen”:
Despite protesting against monarchy, numerous protest signs and chants referred to Swift as their “queen.” Political scientists have yet to determine if this was irony, contradiction, or just an example of late-stage parasocial capitalism.
— Source: TikTok montage, #SwiftForQueen, trending June 13–15, 2025 - Reparations for “Everyone”:
The demand list included vague references to emotional, spiritual, and economic reparations for “anyone harmed by systems of power,” which protestors later clarified could include exes, landlords, professors who gave C+ grades, and corporate mascots that caused childhood distress.
— Source: Protest sign compilation @NoKingsNYC Instagram, June 2025 - “Eat the Rich” Merch Revenue:
Despite the anti-capitalist tone, many protestors were seen wearing professionally printed “Eat the Rich” shirts available for $49.99 on Etsy, prompting ironic commentary on the commercial viability of anti-commercialism.
— Source: Etsy store “GuillotinesAndGlitter,” Top Seller June 2025 - Urban Outfitters Candle Used to Light Flag:
DC police reported that one small fire at the protest was started with a patchouli-scented candle from Urban Outfitters. The irony of using an overpriced capitalist product to burn the American flag was not lost on observers.
— Source: MPD Incident Report #2145-DC-FLAG - “SunMoonFlower98” Influence:
One of the protest’s loudest digital voices, this influencer livestreamed from a Brooklyn rooftop, wearing a faux-fur crown and quoting Frantz Fanon, while promoting her crystal subscription box.
— Source: YouTube, “Decolonize Your Spirit: With SunMoonFlower98,” June 12, 2025 - Backseat Comforts of Lincoln Navigator (2024 model):
The 2024 Lincoln Navigator offers massaging rear seats, customizable ambient lighting, and built-in wireless internet. Perfect for scrolling through the downfall of Western civilization in HD comfort.
— Source: Car & Driver Review, November 2023
Ian Schwartz is a contributor for Direct Line News. Contact Ian at Ian.Scwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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