New York City, the city that never sleeps… mostly because it’s too afraid of getting mugged on the subway. In 2025, our great metropolis is staring down a fork in the road for the next mayoral election. On one side, you have Zohran Mamdani, whose campaign platform can best be summarized as “Communism with Wi-Fi.” On the other side, Curtis Sliwa, a red-bereted folk hero who would rather wrestle a mugger in Times Square than let the city turn into a real-life episode of Chernobyl: The Musical.
This election is basically asking New Yorkers one simple question: Do you want to live in a functional, if slightly eccentric, city – or do you long for the glory days of 1980s Soviet supermarket shopping, complete with one lonely cabbage and a five-hour line?
Mamdani’s NYC: Communism, But Make It Queens
Let’s start with Mamdani. His dream for New York is a socialist wonderland where:
- Groceries are state-run
- Police are optional
- Housing is a drum circle away from anarchy
Imagine walking into your local grocery store—oops, sorry, “People’s Nutritional Distribution Hub”—to discover your choices are:
- 1 slightly dented can of beets
- 2 potatoes that look like they’ve seen some things
- A cabbage that smells like regret
And don’t even think about asking for avocados. The city council has determined avocados are “bourgeois fruit,” so it’s lentil soup and state-issued disappointment for dinner.
Next, the defund-the-police utopia. In Mamdani’s New York, if you get mugged, don’t expect a cop. You’ll get a “community empathy facilitator” who hands your attacker a feelings journal and a coupon for a free chai latte. Subway safety announcements will include guided meditation: “Breathe in… Breathe out… Accept the inevitability of your wallet being stolen.”
Housing? Oh, that’s fun. Mamdani wants every empty apartment turned into a communal living space for self-identified revolutionaries and cats named Trotsky. Your luxury building will now include a composting class in the lobby, a mandatory socialist book club, and an elevator that only works when the “tenants’ council” votes on it.
Tourists will line up to see the Last Working Starbucks, and Times Square billboards will flash: “Private Property Is Theft, Except for Mamdani’s Rent-Controlled Office!”
Sliwa’s NYC: Red Beret Renaissance
Now picture Mayor Curtis Sliwa, the man who turned riding the subway into a personal action movie for 40 years. Sliwa’s New York is not subtle, but it works:
- Grocery stores remain privately owned, so you can buy an actual tomato without showing your Party membership card.
- Guardian Angels are everywhere, making criminals deeply uncomfortable for the first time since 2014.
- The subway doesn’t double as an MMA octagon.
Under Sliwa, crime actually drops because criminals remember what fear feels like. Times Square stops resembling a deleted scene from The Walking Dead. Grandma can visit from Florida without needing a tactical helmet, and joggers in Central Park only dodge squirrels—not machetes.
Housing remains sane, too. Landlords still fix things. Tenants still pay rent. And your neighbor can’t decide the hallway is now a chicken farm because “property is a social construct.”
Even the subway gets a glow-up. You might actually get to work on time without hearing Lenin speeches on the intercom. Curtis himself will occasionally ride along, nodding at commuters like a proud uncle who just saved them from a stray skateboard mugging.
Yelp Reviews Write Themselves
I can already picture the Yelp reviews for each candidate’s New York:
Mamdani NYC:
- ⭐ “I waited 3 hours for bread and left with a participation ribbon.”
- ⭐⭐ “Got mugged, but at least the guy seemed really empowered.”
- ⭐ “My new apartment is a closet with 14 poets. They play bongos at 2 a.m.”
Sliwa NYC:
- ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Curtis personally walked me to the L train. Zero machetes. 10/10 would ride again.”
- ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Bought bacon, egg, and cheese without filing a Marxist manifesto.”
- ⭐⭐⭐⭐ “My rent is the same, and my super actually fixed the sink instead of lecturing me about class struggle.”
The Choice Is Obvious (Unless You Miss Soviet Cabbage)
Look, New York has survived plenty:
- Blackouts
- Financial crises
- Bill de Blasio’s attempts at pizza etiquette
But choosing Mamdani is basically volunteering for Urban Survivor: USSR Edition—where your prize is a potato, a pamphlet, and the faint smell of despair.
Curtis Sliwa, on the other hand, is a walking New York meme, but he’s our meme. He loves the city, he’ll defend it, and he won’t make you fill out a 12-page equity form to buy a loaf of bread.
So unless your dream vacation is Moscow, 1980, with long lines, empty shelves, and suspicious cabbage, the choice is clear: Curtis Sliwa is the mayor New York needs.
Jacob Silver is a contributor for Direct Line News, he can be reached at Jacob.Silver@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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