Naked Gun 2025: Hollywood Reloads, Misses the Target, and Shoots Itself in the Foot (Again)

Let’s just cut to the chase—Hollywood’s newest crime isn’t on screen, it’s what they did to the screen. Yep, they remade The Naked Gun. Or maybe they “reimagined” it. Or “updated it for modern audiences,” which is just woke-speak for “we sucked all the funny out of it and replaced it with preachy TikTok humor.”

I know what you’re thinking—Ian, you haven’t even seen the new one yet. Correct. I’ve only seen the trailer, but trailers are supposed to make you want to see the movie, not make you feel like you’re being punished for liking the original. That trailer made me want to run into traffic. On purpose.

Growing up, my dad, my brother Dave, and I would sit on the couch watching TNT or TBS on a Saturday night—back when those channels aired actual classics instead of 24-hour marathons of “The Fast and the Furious: Prius Drift.” We’d watch The Naked Gun, Airplane!, Blazing Saddles, History of the World Part I, Trading Places, Coming to America. Those movies slapped. Not “slapped” as in “let’s do a TikTok dance about climate justice,” but slapped like “wow, this is what comedy looks like when it’s written by adults with actual punchlines and zero concern for cancel mobs.”

But the new Naked Gun? It feels like it was written by a diversity committee trapped in a vegan co-op arguing over pronouns.

Hollywood has no new ideas. But that’s not surprising—these people haven’t had a new idea since The New Deal. Seriously. You’d think a billion-dollar industry full of self-proclaimed “creatives” could occasionally create something. But no. It’s just remakes, reboots, sequels, prequels, and gender-flipped reimaginings starring people who look like they wandered out of a Whole Foods commercial. Next up: Schindler’s List: The Musical, starring Billie Eilish and a talking dog. (Don’t get any ideas, Netflix.)

And let’s not forget Disney—oh boy. Disney’s “remake era” is like your drunk uncle trying to do karaoke: uncomfortable, off-key, and it makes everyone question their life choices. The Lion King remake looked like a National Geographic special with the voice acting of a Ring doorbell. The Little Mermaid tanked so hard you’d think she was hit with a depth charge. And what did Disney say in response? “You’re just racist!” No, we’re just bored.

Hollywood’s war on traditional values isn’t even subtext anymore—it’s the opening credits. Dads are always dumb. Moms are always right. Kids are always the real heroes. And the American flag? Might as well be replaced with a QR code to a climate pledge. In the original Naked Gun, Frank Drebin was a bumbling cop who still represented something goofy and noble. In the new version, I half expect the plot to revolve around Drebin issuing parking citations for misgendered bumper stickers.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. “Ian, you’re just nostalgic.” Damn right I am. I’m nostalgic for when comedies were funny, when men were allowed to be goofy and flawed without being called “toxic,” and when jokes didn’t come with a 15-minute post-screening apology session led by a nonbinary mindfulness consultant.

So no, I won’t be shelling out 20 bucks to watch Hollywood mutilate The Naked Gun. I’ll spend that cash on something more worthwhile—like a used DVD of Hot Shots!, a Costco-size bag of Goldfish crackers, and a night in with dad and Dave, laughing until it hurts at the good stuff.

Because some things aren’t meant to be remade. They’re meant to be remembered.
And Hollywood? You need to sit this one out. Preferably forever.

– Ian Schwartz, VHS Loyalist and Traditional Joke Defender

Ian Schwartz is a contributor to Direct Line News.   Contact Ian at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com

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Ian Schwartz

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