Illegal Plants That is …
You know, I always thought Montgomery County’s number one priority was making sure absolutely everyone feels welcome. After all, this is a place where you can illegally cross the border, skip the citizenship line, and be rewarded with free legal aid, free housing assistance, and maybe even a taxpayer-funded attorney who moonlights as a yoga instructor. But apparently, there’s one group Montgomery County simply cannot abide. A group that’s been growing—literally—under our noses.
I’m talking about non-native plant species.
Yes, friends. While Montgomery County unrolls the red carpet for illegal immigrants from all corners of the world, when it comes to bamboo, ivy, and Japanese barberry, they don’t just close the door—they slam it, lock it, and file a restraining order.
Let me get this straight: if you’re a human being who sneaked across the border, you’re a “migrant neighbor.” If you’re an out-of-town plant, though? You’re a “threat to the local ecosystem” and must be “eradicated immediately.” Sound familiar? Because I’ve heard some very problematic language coming from the Department of Environmental Protection lately. Frankly, it’s giving 1950s.
Alien Plants’ Lives Matter
What happened, Montgomery County? I thought we were a welcoming community. A sanctuary county. A land of acceptance and diversity. But now you’re out here profiling based on origin? If a plant’s roots weren’t grown on good ol’ native Maryland soil, it gets yanked, bagged, and burned like it’s hosting a Tiki torch rally.
Let’s not pretend this isn’t racially motivated plant cleansing.
Oh, native plant supremacy is alive and well in Rockville.
Take bamboo, for instance. Tall. Peaceful. Green. Soothing. But because it grows “too fast” and “chokes out other species,” it’s suddenly on a hit list? Really? That’s some straight-up botanical xenophobia. If bamboo had a lawyer, they’d sue the county for profiling.
And don’t even get me started on the Japanese knotweed. Just because it’s Japanese, it’s now an “invasive criminal menace”? Who writes this stuff? Steve Bannon?
Meanwhile, the very same people who are bulldozing invasive species from local parks are the first ones in line at Pho 75 ordering bamboo shoots in their soup. Hypocrisy? Thy name is Montgomery County.
“Plant Control” Raids in Our Schools
And now I hear they’re raiding high school horticulture labs. That’s right—last week at Walter Johnson, word got out that County enforcement officials stormed the greenhouse. Little Jimmy, who was just trying to clone some English Ivy for his AP Bio project, watched in horror as a government agent in an Earthjustice windbreaker ripped his plant out of its pot and declared it a “foreign agent.”
They’re going after our children’s science experiments now. Montgomery County has officially become the ICE of invasive flora.
You can’t make this up. Somewhere out there, MS-13 is running fentanyl through Wheaton, but the County’s cracking down on azaleas with a sketchy background.
Human Illegal? Free Apartment. Plant Illegal? Death Sentence.
I want you to compare the treatment here.
Let’s say you’re a Honduran national who just crossed the border and made your way to Silver Spring. Boom—you’re greeted with open arms. Free legal counsel. Some nice ladies from Takoma Park will bake you gluten-free zucchini bread and throw you a welcome brunch.
Now imagine you’re a Periwinkle from Southeast Asia.
Guess what? You’re getting yanked out of the ground, sprayed with chemicals, and tossed into a black contractor bag while some guy from Park Services shouts, “We’ve got another one!”
And the County doesn’t even hide it! They’ve got pamphlets and workshops with titles like “How to Destroy Invasive Plants Without Losing Your Humanity.” Spoiler: You do lose your humanity. Because you’re murdering plants based on where they came from.
I thought we were better than this.
What About Due Process?
Look, I’m not saying we need to give every bamboo stalk a trial. But maybe—just maybe—if we’re going to let 16-year-olds from El Salvador enroll in Montgomery County Public Schools without a shred of ID, then we shouldn’t be requiring full botanical lineage charts for every plant trying to grow on Maryland soil.
The hypocrisy is staggering.
Illegal human? “You are welcome here.”
Illegal plant? “You are hereby sentenced to extermination.”
The Deportation Double Standard
And don’t fall for the whole “native ecosystems are under threat” line. That’s the same argument every country uses to justify tightening its borders. First it’s “they’re just a few weeds.” Then it’s “they’re taking resources from our native species.” Next thing you know, they’re building plant detention centers behind Home Depot.
Meanwhile, in the very same County Council meetings where they cry about migrant “dignity,” they’re greenlighting full-on raids on people’s backyards. One guy in Bethesda got fined $1,000 because his ornamental grass “escaped containment.” Is that what we’re calling it now? Escaped containment? Sounds like a subplot from The Handmaid’s Tale.
Where Is the ACLU of Shrubs?
It’s time we stand up and ask: where are the civil liberties groups for non-native flora? Why hasn’t some intern from the Sierra Club chained herself to a rhododendron yet? Where’s the protest march? Where’s the “Green Lives Matter” t-shirt?
Oh right. Because this is Montgomery County. We care about inclusion… until your leaves don’t look like ours.
Conclusion: A County of Contradictions
Montgomery County is many things. It’s rich. It’s woke. It’s confusing. But above all, it’s a place of stunning contradictions. A place where people who’ve never paid taxes are eligible for public services, but if your ivy dares creep into the neighbor’s yard, it’s labeled an “aggressor species” and terminated with extreme prejudice.
We roll out the welcome mat for people who broke the law, but we run a zero-tolerance policy for plants who didn’t fill out the correct form at the border (because, you know, they’re plants).
So next time you’re sipping your matcha and talking about equity, ask yourself: Did this tea leaf get here legally? And if not, are you complicit?
Until then, I’m going to go start an underground railroad for endangered invasive species. First stop: the Schwartz family backyard. We’ve already got a maple tree from Canada squatting behind the garage.
Don’t tell the County.
#PlantSanctuaryNow
#AlienPlantsLivesMatter
#MontgomeryCountyHypocrisy
Ian Schwartz, Contributor to Direct Line News. Ian can be reached at Ian.Shwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
About The Author
