So, Evan Glass has been spotted — wait for it — crying while holding a sign for DC Statehood. Evan, buddy… crying over this? I mean, nobody’s exactly staging a Million Man March demanding “51st star now!” People are worried about inflation, crime, housing costs, but you’re out here treating DC Statehood like it’s the cure for male pattern baldness.
Let’s break this down. DC already gets to send a non-voting delegate to Congress — which, given the current quality of legislation coming out of the House, might actually be a blessing in disguise. But no, Evan wants to give them Senators. Yes, Senators from a city that keeps electing political gems like Trayvon White, the council member who blamed bad weather on the Rothschilds (seriously, Google it), and of course Marion Barry — “Mayor for Life” and patron saint of the late, great Rush Limbaugh’s DC punchlines. Remember Marion? Got caught smoking crack, got reelected anyway.
And this is the city Evan thinks needs more power in Washington. Because nothing says “functional democracy” like rewarding a track record of electing scandal magnets with actual legislative clout.
Meanwhile, on the home front, DC can’t get basic services right. Trash pickup? Spotty. Snow plowing? Good luck — one flurry and it’s like the Donner Party out there. Parks? Think less “beautiful green spaces” and more “urban obstacle course with bonus broken glass.” Seriously, you walk through some of these playgrounds and it feels like the set of an Amy Grant song — oh wait, wrong artist — that was Annie Lennox with Walking on Broken Glass. My bad, Evan. But hey, maybe Amy Grant could do a wholesome Christian remix just for you.
But Evan’s dream is that this urban utopia — where you can’t get your recycling picked up but you can get your catalytic converter stolen before breakfast — deserves two U.S. Senators and a voting Representative. Because what Congress really needs is another bloc that will spend most of its time lobbying for more federal cash while mismanaging the stuff it already gets.
And here’s the kicker — nobody outside the Beltway is clamoring for this. I promise you, if you go to Ohio, Florida, or even the Maryland suburbs, and ask people, “Hey, should DC be a state?” they’ll stare at you like you just asked if Pluto should get its planet status back. It’s not even on the radar. The only people who care are hyper-partisan activists who see it as a guaranteed two extra Democratic Senators. That’s it. That’s the whole ballgame.
But Evan’s out there, misty-eyed, holding his sign like he’s reenacting the final scene of Les Misérables. I half expect him to break into song: Do you hear the people sing? Except in DC, the people aren’t singing — they’re calling 311 because their alley smells like a landfill and the rat population has unionized.
So here’s my advice, Evan: before you try to add another star to the flag, maybe work on getting the streets cleaned, the parks glass-free, and the city government competent enough to run a 5K without tripping over its own shoelaces. Statehood can wait. Right now, DC’s got bigger problems than its lack of Senators — like not resembling a failed SimCity save file.
Ian Schartz, is a contributor for Direct Line News, he can be reached at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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