Congrats to Governor Mark Carney of Canada—America’s Favorite Frozen Suburb

Carney’s Resume: Now With State-Level Bureaucracy

This is a man who went from managing the British economy to running Canada like it’s Vermont on steroids. Somewhere, King Charles just shed a royal tear into his teacup while softly muttering, “We’ve lost them to the Americans. And they don’t even have a King!”

Mark Carney is the perfect Governor for Canada:

• He’s polite enough to make Mitt Romney look like a UFC fighter.
• Boring enough to make Joe Biden seem like Pitbull.
• And fluent in economics, which is just Canadian for “won’t say anything interesting during a debate.”

What’s Next for America’s Frosty New State?

Now that Canada’s officially a state, we’ve got some big questions:

• Will Tim Hortons replace Starbucks in every rest stop from Delaware to Des Moines?
• Do we get dual citizenship or just dual seasonal depression?
• Is there a clause in the U.S. Constitution about mandatory hockey appreciation?

And what happens to the royal pictures on their currency? Do we just Photoshop in Reagan and call it a day?

A Word of Advice, Governor

Governor Carney, if you’re reading this from your igloo-shaped governor’s mansion (now sponsored by REI), I offer this advice:

• Lose the parliamentary politeness. You’re in America now—we yell at school boards for fun.
• Remember, your lieutenant governor could be someone named Travis who runs a Freedom Truck Rally on the weekends.
• And for the love of Lincoln, get used to debates where people yell “Socialist!” if you mention public transportation.

Welcome to the melting pot, eh? But don’t melt too fast—we’ve got enough inflation, debt, and federal bureaucracy to go around.

God bless America. And now, God bless Canadian America too.

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Andrew Spann

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