Folks, stop the presses. Put down your gluten-free oat milk lattes. Cancel the emergency therapy sessions. The medical community has just developed the first vaccine for the most contagious psychological ailment of the 21st century: Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS).
Yes, you heard me right. Move over polio, measles, and chickenpox—TDS finally has a cure. The new vaccine, marketed under the catchy name Open Mind & Rational Thinking™, is already making waves in the medical and political worlds. Side effects may include: thinking before tweeting, laughing at jokes without calling HR, and—brace yourself—realizing that not every single problem in your life is somehow the fault of Donald J. Trump.
How It Works
Scientists say this revolutionary shot rewires the part of the brain that instinctively screams, “The walls are closing in!” every time Trump sneezes. Instead of panic, the patient calmly considers the facts. Imagine that: an MSNBC panel that doesn’t sound like the cast of The Real Housewives of DC after too much boxed wine.
The vaccine also promotes tolerance. After two doses, test subjects were able to sit through a Fourth of July parade without writing 3,000 words about “authoritarian vibes.” Early trials even showed Democrats in safe districts refusing to use the word “literally” 15 times in a single sentence. A medical miracle!
Distribution Plan
The CDC (Center for Deranged Commentary) is already working on distribution. Pharmacies will offer the shot between flu shots and COVID boosters. Some cities, however, are considering resistance. San Francisco supervisors say they will only approve the vaccine if it can be sprinkled on avocado toast. Portland activists demand a plant-based alternative, preferably in kombucha form.
But there’s good news: Florida is rolling out pop-up clinics in Publix parking lots next week. Texas already has drive-through stations where you can get a brisket sandwich with your booster. America, baby.
Who Needs It Most?
The answer is obvious: journalists, Hollywood celebrities, and your Aunt Linda who still posts #Resistance memes on Facebook at 2 a.m. But let’s be real: a few Republican consultants who never forgave Trump for eating their lunch in 2016 might benefit, too. If you start every sentence with “As a former Republican strategist…” congratulations, your insurance will cover the full dose.
Kids & Schools
Parents, rejoice. No longer will little Timmy come home from Social Studies insisting the Founding Fathers were proto-Nazis. With the vaccine, he might just admit George Washington was a pretty solid guy. Schools will be able to focus on math and reading again—though we can’t guarantee algebra will become any more likable.
The Bottom Line
This vaccine won’t solve inflation. It won’t fix traffic on the Beltway. But it could bring back something we’ve all missed: the ability to disagree with your neighbor without calling them a fascist. Imagine Thanksgiving where Uncle Joe talks about politics and half the family doesn’t pretend to choke on the turkey just to change the subject.
So yes, TDS may finally be curable. One jab, two jabs, and suddenly you realize life goes on. The sun still rises, baseball still has rain delays, and not every orange-tinted headline is the apocalypse.
Now that’s what I call progress.
Ian Schwartz is a columnist for Direct Line Contact at Ian.Schwartz@mcgopclub.com
Direct Line News is a Maryland-based free-access publication committed to the Republican reform tradition.
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